Work...

John is working. I know he told me where, but I don't remember. All I know is he is back in NC and not here. I have been so blessed with a husband that I love so much. He is so good to me. I don't like it when he is gone. I'm lonely without him. I guess it's a good thing that I miss him so much when he's gone. I've been working the past few days, so at least I haven't had to sit at home w/o him for as long.

Work has been difficult lately. A lot of sad patients and families have been coming in and out of unit. We have had ethics meetings regarding some of the patients admitted. I also feel conflicted about these cases. A baby is considered viable when they are over 500grams and 24weeks. Duke saves 23week infants less than 500grams all the time, but should we? What are their outcomes? Sometimes they turn out fine, sometimes they are tortured with every test, procedure, and surgery we throw at them for survival. They don't usually survive without some sort of detrimental effects. As a Christian it is hard for me to know what to think sometimes. I don't believe in abortion, but if a 23weeker is born should we torture it to "make" it survive?

I don't mean to depress everyone, but these are the things that go through my mind all the time. I pray for guidance at work, and to be there for the families. It feels wrong a lot of the time. When is enough, enough? When do we keep going no matter what? I always hope God will show me the way if I am ever in that situation.

Can we really blame families for wanting to save their baby, no matter what? I mean it's THEIR baby. The baby they hoped for, prayed for, loved for however many months. I just hate to be the one in their poking, proding, and watching the baby suffer.

I wish John were home. He is good about bringing me back to God, listening with me, and praying for me/with me. It's different on the phone. I can't stay focused. I get distracted. Friday can't come soon enough...